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I was not raised a Catholic. I grew up protestant and in a dysfunctional
home. I had a sense as a very young child that the Catholic Church was the
one true church. I was never taught this; didn’t have Catholic friends nor
were there any Catholics in my family. I was particularly drawn to Jesus
and still am drawn to Jesus. I think He has a way of drawing people who
suffer a great deal, into His heart and His church. Coming from a
dysfunctional home, I had my share of suffering beginning at a very young
age. (I didn’t know at the time that suffering is redemptive nor that Jesus
has a very special place in His heart for those who suffer. He suffered like
no other human has ever suffered – He is the King of suffering!)

I left home when I was 19 and went to college. My first year was a
disaster! I was lonely, afraid, emotionally unstable and found myself in a
peer culture (1970s) where free sex and drugs were more the norm than
not. My classroom professors invited students over to their homes to
smoke pot – streaking was prevalent and occurred in classrooms as well on
campus. My parents told me when I was 12 years old that I had to join
their church and when I left home, I could make my own choice of the
church I wanted to belong to. I asked the question about whether the
protestant church I had studied about was the one I really wanted since I
didn’t study about other churches and still was wondering about the
Catholic Church. I didn’t even know if I could be Catholic – I thought you
might have to be born a Catholic or at least have relatives who were
Catholic.

My sophomore year in college, I met my husband. I met him in a bar and
he was so repulsively intoxicated I would not have ever seen him again if
he had not asked me to go to mass with him the next day. THIS WAS THE
FIRST AND ONLY TIME A CATHOLIC HAD EVER INVITED ME INTO THE
CHURCH! I wasn’t going to miss out on the opportunity. I looked to him to
teach me about the church. After all he had grown up Catholic and had
years of education in the faith of which I was very envious. Little did I know
or understand – he was a ‘cafeteria’ Catholic! The culture at the time was
one where we were supposed to think for ourselves – make our own
decisions and I bought this hook-line-& sinker. He would rationalize why
the young Catholic people didn’t believe in contraception or why we could
just pick the rules we want and leave the rest. I went to RCIA classes to
join the church. I went alone – he didn’t come with me and more than once,
after class, we would discuss the lesson for the week and he would take
exception to what was taught. I didn’t know that this was dangerous. I was
a college student and I was expected to develop critical thinking skills and
question everything. I didn’t come from a family or a church that believed
in absolute truths but I really was searching for them – in my own way.

Two weeks after I graduated from college, I married my husband. Four
years later we were blessed with a daughter. Five years later my husband
serves me with divorce papers. I was in a state of shock! Yes we were
having some problems, but never did I ever think divorce would even be
considered! We were both Catholic and it’s just not acceptable – not an
option! This catastrophic event was a catalyst in opening memories to the
abuse of my past – my childhood. Not only was I trying to deal with
separation, divorce, pain, life up-he veal, re-location, but also the
excruciating pain of childhood sexual abuse. YOU CAN BELIEVE IN OUR
LORD’S FOOTPRINTS IN THE SAND STORY! I would not be alive today, if He
had not been carrying me through this. I tried more than once to take my
life – to escape the pain and even with some very serious attempts – I
didn’t succeed. I never stopped believing in Jesus and wanted even more
to leave this life and to be at His side – because I knew I could trust Him
and He wouldn’t hurt me! Rational thoughts about the sin of suicide were
not within my grasp or if they crept in, I didn’t have the strength to process
or hang on to them.

Very soon after the divorce, a priest encouraged me to seek an annulment.
I was angry – very angry about this. I remember thinking that I didn’t need
a priest, the church or anyone else to tell me that I was not married! I was
married! I made the commitment! And I was still praying that God return
my husband to his family. Sometime later, I became angry with God. I had
been begging Him on my knees to restore my family and to not let my
daughter suffer from a broken home. It became certain that my husband
was not going to come back home – the divorce became final. I was
infuriated with God! I begged Him! I trusted Him! I was committed to
marriage and the Sacrament of Marriage! I was committed to my husband!
And He remained silent and allowed it all to happen – just like He allowed
me to be abused as a child. How dare Him!

I left the church and went back to the church I was raised in. It was familiar
but it just wasn’t HOME! It took me 8 years before I decided to come back
to the Catholic Church – Home.

Stay tuned for the rest of the story . . . .

Remember that I was not well formed as a Catholic. I still needed much
more to really understand the fullness of the faith. What I didn’t know
when I was going through all my crisis’ are the following principals:

(1) Our Lord never condones anything evil or sinful! He does however
PERMIT those things to happen – just as God our Father permitted it to
happen to His Beloved Son, Jesus. He permits Satan to co-exit with us. But
He also promises us that evil will not prevail.

(2) God never demands that we follow Him. (Free will to choose) He wants
us to freely make the choice to come to Him. He wants us to choose to love
Him! He wants us to freely choose to suffer for Him and others. He wants
us to FOLLOW HIM! Pick up our cross too – and follow. (He would never
force my husband to return but wants it even more than I do.)

(3) God uses suffering to atone for sins. Those of our own and for others
who may not ever have a chance of coming to know Him if we don’t suffer
for them.