marriage

What is marriage? (Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC) 1601-1666)

Few realities are as beautiful as the reality of Christian marriage. The Creator established
the intimate community of life and love, which constitutes the married state. This
relationship was then elevated in the New Covenant to be a sign of the great love that
exists between Jesus Christ and his beloved spouse, the Church. St. Paul describes this
reality in his letter to the Ephesians (5:21-33). Husbands are to love their wives as Christ
loves the Church. Just as Jesus pours himself out totally, utterly and completely for the
Church and holds nothing back for Himself, so too a husband is to put the needs of his
wife before his own. Jesus Christ is a complete gift of himself to the Church; therefore a
Christian husband only loves his wife to the measure that he images the self-giving love of
Christ.
Wives are to love their husbands as the Church loves Christ. Many people cringe when
they hear St. Paul say, "Wives be subordinate to your husbands as the Church is to the
Lord" (Eph 5:22). However, subordination is not slavery, but a way of loving. Thus, the
wife is to receive the gift of love just as the Church does.
Often we do not understand love in terms of giving and receiving since we do not give and
receive gifts; rather, we exchange them. For example, if someone comes to our house for
Christmas and he brings us a gift, but we were not expecting it, our first reaction is, "Oh, I
didn't get you anything." We believe the only way to show our love for that person is by
exchanging a gift of equal value. In reality, this trading of gifts of equal value is bartering for
love.
Jesus, however, does not barter for our love. In other words, he does not expect a gift of
equal value return for his gift of love. Rather, He desires that the Church actively (not
passively) receive his gift. The Church receives the gift totally; everything that Christ wants
to give her, and this is how wives are to love their husbands. To receive is not an inferior
way of loving; rather it expresses the complementarity that God wills to exist between the
husband and wife. In other words the husband and wife bring their own unique gifts as
man and woman to marriage so that the love between Christ and the Church may be
revealed.
The giving and receiving relationship between Christ and the Church is fruitful. This
fruitfulness is expressed in the members of the Church, who are given supernatural life.
The Creator has even incorporated this model of giving and receiving into our human
bodies. In the human sexual act, the husband is to be a gift of himself to his wife; in turn,
the wife actively and lovingly receives the gift. Only through the giving and receiving of the
husband and wife does the marriage become fruitful. The fullest expression of fruitfulness
in marriage is children.
Marriage also has civil effects, but if marriage is only seen as a civil contract the reality of it
is much less beautiful. From a civil perspective, marriage is the legal union between a man
and a woman. In this contract, the two parties promise to be faithful to each other and to
work for the good of the other. However, if the contract is violated in some way, it may
be dissolved through a decree called divorce. Although the civil understanding of marriage
has some good aspects, it lacks the fullness that our Lord desired for marriage when He
established it as a sacrament.

What is a sacramental marriage?

We read in Sacred Scripture after the creation of man and woman, "the man said: 'This
one at last, is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; this one shall be called woman for
out of 'her man' this one has been taken.' That is why a man leaves his father and mother
and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body" (Gen 2:23-24). Jesus
comments on this passage when he teaches against divorce, "what God has joined
together, no human being must separate" (Mk 10:9). Thus, a sacramental marriage is not
just a bond between husband and wife, but it is a bond between the husband, the wife and
God. Since God has joined the couple, no human power, not even the Pope, can dissolve
a sacramental marriage. Non-sacramental bonds, on the other hand, can be dissolved.
A marriage only has a sacramental quality if both parties are baptized Christians and have
given full consent according to the plan of God. Full consent includes an intention of
fidelity, an intention of a permanent bond, and openness to children. The Church teaches
that even two baptized non-Catholics, who give full consent to one another, are also able
to form a sacramental marriage. However, if one of the parties is not baptized, the
marriage is not a sacramental bond. Therefore, if a Catholic marries a non-baptized
person, while it is a valid marriage in the eyes of the Church, it is not a sacramental bond.

What makes a marriage valid?

A marriage involving at least one Catholic is valid if the marital consent is given according
to the teachings and laws of the Catholic Church. In other words, although the consent of
the husband and wife "makes" marriage, a Catholic is bound by Church law to be married
in the presence of the Church's minister (a priest or a deacon), unless the couple has been
dispensed from the Catholic form by the bishop of the diocese. If marriage is attempted
outside the presence of a minister of the Catholic Church when at least one of the parties
to the marriage is Catholic, it is invalid. Church law, however, does not bind
non-Catholics. Therefore, the Church considers a marriage between two non-Catholics
valid.

What is the benefit of a sacramental marriage? (CCC 1612-1617; 1641-2)

After the fall of Adam and Eve, Scripture says "they realized that they were naked; so
they sewed fig leaves together and made loincloths for themselves" (Gen 3:7). Because of
this sin, the original communion between the man and the woman was ruptured so that
they were no longer willing to reveal themselves fully to one another. This distorted the
marriage relationship because they withheld something from the other. In other words,
they were no longer willing to give themselves completely to one another. However, the
original intention of the Creator was for the man and woman to be a total gift of self to the
other. Therefore, to the extent that a man and woman are not willing to give themselves
totally to one another, they are being selfish. They are not living for the other but for
themselves.
Because we are all affected by original sin, we all have the tendency toward selfishness. Only with
the help of God (grace) can we overcome this inclination. In the sacrament of marriage,
God binds the man and woman together in an unbreakable covenant. Through this bond,
He also gives man and woman the grace to be able to love one another unselfishly.
Therefore, the sacrament of marriage is given to the Church by Christ in order to help
couples love one another totally.

Is one of the reasons why the Church teaches that artificial contraception is
intrinsically evil because it prevents the spouses from giving themselves
completely to one another?

Yes. When a couple uses contraception, they distort the intention to give themselves
entirely to each other into, "I give myself to you completely, except for my fertility."
Contraception is gravely sinful because in true love, such exceptions do not exist. We
accept the whole person and everything that he or she has to give.

Why does the church teach that cohabitation before marriage is wrong?

One reason the Church teaches cohabitation before marriage is gravely sinful is that
without the sacrament of marriage, the cohabiting couple is really not able to be an image
of the love between Christ and the Church. While a level of commitment is present in the
relationship, that commitment has not been made before God, and therefore, it is
dissoluble. When a couple receives the sacrament of marriage, their bond of love is
ratified by God and formed into an unbreakable union. Through this bond, the man and
wife can grow more deeply in their love for one another and for God.
Another reason that is more practical. A number of scientific studies and the pastoral
experience of many priests show that couples who live together before marriage have
divorce rates 50 to 80 percent higher than couples who do not cohabitate. The argument
made that a couple needs to "try it out" before getting married is seriously flawed.
Cohabitation before marriage is in fact very harmful to the relationship and to the future
marriage of the couple.

If we want to get married, why do we need to see a priest for marriage
preparation?

Even though a priest is not married himself, he can offer a great deal to a couple preparing
for marriage. In their seminary training, priests are required to take a number of classes
specifically dealing with different aspects of marriage. Priests also have much pastoral
experience working with couples that are preparing for marriage, those who are already
married, as well as couples who may be divorced. This pastoral experience gives a priest
a unique insight into marriage so that he can assist a couple in forming a union that will last.
Another reason to see a priest before marriage is that marriage is a public good, and in the
Church it also bestows rights and duties on the man and woman. The priest has a
responsibility to God for the pastoral care of individuals as well as the community he is
serving. Therefore, in assisting a couple to prepare for marriage, the priest is helping not
only the couple to grow in holiness, but he is also helping to promote the good of the
community.

Does getting married civilly or in another Church affect our standing in the
Catholic Church?

Yes. The Catholic form of marriage obliges all Catholics to be married in the Catholic
Church. Christ has given the Church the power to regulate the celebration of the
sacrament. Therefore, if a Catholic attempts to enter into a marriage without the consent
of the Catholic Church, they are really telling Jesus that they do not need Him or His
Church for salvation. A Catholic who knows that he or she should get married in the
Church and does not, commits a grave sin, and should not receive Holy Communion.
In order to be reconciled to the Church and to Christ, the Catholic party must receive
forgiveness in the Sacrament of Confession. In order to receive absolution from any sin, a
person must be sorry for the sin, must be resolved not to commit the sin again, and must
also do penance for the sin. In the case of an invalid marriage, the resolution not to commit
the sin again would also have to include an intention to quit living in a union as husband
and wife. If these conditions are met, the Catholic party may be absolved from the sin in
Confession and then may be admitted to Holy Communion.

Since we were married outside the Church, can we have our marriage "blessed"
by the Church?

Yes. The technical name for the Church's "blessing" of a marriage is a con-validation. This
is a ceremony where in the presence of the Church's minister (the priest or deacon), the
husband and wife give their consent to one another anew. As stated earlier, the reason
that consent must be given again is that, even though the husband and the wife are
ministers of the sacrament, they are still bound to the Catholic form of marriage.
Therefore, if both parties are free to marry and the consent is given in the presence of the
Church's minister, the couple is able to receive the sacrament of matrimony.

I am a divorced Catholic; may I still receive Holy Communion?

A Catholic who is divorced may still receive Holy Communion, provided that he or she is
not conscious of any grave sins that have not been forgiven in the sacrament of penance.
Even though a divorce breaks the civil bond, the sacramental bond is still in place. In the
eyes of the Church the couple is still married. Therefore, they may not attempt to enter
into another union.
If someone does attempt remarriage without a declaration of nullity (commonly called an
"annulment") from the Church, they are in a state that is objectively, gravely sinful. Those
who are in this gravely sinful situation should remove themselves from the circumstances,
and then seek reconciliation with God and the Church through the Sacrament of
Confession. That person would then be able to receive Holy Communion again.

Isn't an "annulment" just a Catholic divorce?

No. The term that the Church uses for "annulment" is a declaration of nullity. The
declaration of nullity does not dissolve a marriage bond; rather it is a statement that an
investigative process has gathered enough information to show that the marriage bond was
not created at the beginning of the marriage. If the Church has any doubt that a marriage is
null, the Church is obliged to give the benefit of the doubt in favor of the marriage bond.
Therefore, if enough evidence has not been presented to the Church to show that a
marriage is null, neither of the parties of that marriage would be free to enter into another
marriage. back